Depressed...

I've been feeling quite depressed lately. I use to think I was depressed when I was younger. During my teenage years. But this is different. Back then it was just "I hate the world and everyone hates me, I dont want to live". But I think most teenagers get that way and I was upset and struggling with school and myself. But this is different. I don't hate anything or anyone, except maybe myself. I just....I don't feel anything. I have no motivation or energy to do anything at all. I mean last night at work, while I was delivering papers, I got this idea to go through everything in my room and throw out anything I don't need anymore. I planned it all out and everything. But then I got home and just said "screw it..." and I've just been on the computer like I am everyday. I am going through some things in life right now that are cuasing this. Financial problems, trying to find a new job, struggling with my weight and feeling quite lonely (I've never had a boyfriend so I've always felt this way but it's becoming an increasing feeling...).

I'm 23 years old. I should be out with friends and having fun and living out the best years of my life. But I'm not. My life consists of working at night from 2am-6am then coming home, handing my car off to my mom so she can use it to go to her job, then I'm home all day. I go to bed at 3pm and then wake up to repeat it all over again. I have no money or nice clothes to wear in public so even if a friend were to come pick me up to do something, I couldn't. I also don't want to be seen in public due to the eczema on my face. It has made me even more self-conscious. Not to mention the weight I've gained which I'm desperately trying to lose, but being with me being such a food addict, that's not an easy task.

I'm not looking for any help or sympathy here. I just wanted to put out what's been going on with me lately. I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who feels like this. Everyone keeps telling me "don't worry, it'll get better".....I wish they'd stop saying that.

So much stress!

These past couple of weeks have just been terrible! First off, one of our cats was diagnosed with Feline Leukemia. She was so sick. Not eating, barely moving, super skinny and bony. Took her to the vet and they gave her some medicine then the next day she was diagnosed with that. We had planned to put her down but as if by some miracle, the day of her appointment for that....she was suddenly moving around, walking and meowing at the vet. I didn't find that out till later. I had gone to bed when my stepdad took her in. So I had gone to bed thinking she would be gone when I woke up for work. I was so sad. But then when I woke up, I saw her in her usual spot in the back hallway! I started crying and petting her. She started meowing and she got up and was walking around. I'm glad she's still with us. She's getting a lot better and eating more and more!

On Saturday, 7-23, we took my car in to get fixed....they fixed a lot of things on it. It cost about a thousand dollars!! I don't even make a thousand dollars in a month. I have so many bills that need to be paid off now that I'll never be able to save any money to move out of my parents house. Honestly, what I need is a new job. But I can't seem to find anything. I know it's really hard to find a job out there. I mean just becuase I put in an application, doesn't mean it's going to get looked at! It's my one application against probably 100 other people vying for the same position! But all I can do is keep trying. What really ticks me off is that they were supposed to fix the belts on my car but last night, I started my car up and the screeching noise (which was the problem to begin with) started up again! And then it was going all night long while I was delivering papers! Every time I turned the wheel, everytime I braked to stop then pressed the gas to go again, waiting at a stop light to turn, the light turned green and I pressed the gas, it squealed sooooo loud that I was afraid to even drive! I pulled into a driveway on the street I was on and let it sit for a few moments. It stopped squealing so I was able to drive again. I was sooo pissed off by the end of the night. Now we gotta take the car back to the place and I'm probably going to end up having to pay another 500 dollars for whatever it is! Someone buy me a new car!

I'm also a bit depressed becuase of all that but also becuase I had to tell a guy I was really in to that he and I couldn't be together becuase I'm going through so much. He lives in Orlando and he was going to wait for me to get everything in order, find a new job and move up there with him. But we haven't met yet and neither of us can go to the other. I don't have a car during the day and I don't get days off from work. And he was just recently put in to a new position at work. He pretty much just wakes up, helps out with grandma, goes to work then comes home and sleeps. We barely get to talk anymore. I told him that we couldnt be together becuase it's not fair to him to have to wait for me when there are girls available where he is at and he doesn't have to wait for them. I really had my heart set on him but priorities come first.

I've also been trying to lose weight but I just can't stop eating!! I crave everything! Mostly salty foods. Nothing seems to help. Not even chewing gum or brushing my teeth. It doesn't stop me from grabbing food. I've searched online for some healthy salty snacks but all I get is stuff like almonds, chick peas, tortilla chips, sweet potato fries.....all stuff I can't have. I can't go buy healthy foods like that. I don't eat potato chips or junk food. My problem is sandwhich meat, cheese, pizza, salad dressing, fruit and chocolate bars. It doesn't sound too bad but eating too much of all that IS bad. I need a muzzle or something. Exercise is a bit hard to do too. I'm self conscious so I don't want to walk outside (I never wear shorts so I'd have to wear pants and it's too damn hot out for that!). We have a treadmill that I use sometimes. But I'm unable to run or be on my knees due to an injury I had to them a few years ago. Even kneeling causes severe pain in them. I want to be thin and be happy for once.

This all may sound like complaining but that's what blogs are for, yes?

Writing a story

So for the longest time now, I've had this story idea in my head. I've written down several parts of it. I know how it will end and I know some of the beginning. I'm just not sure about the rest of it. I can't think of anything (writer's block I suppose...lol). The thing is, I'm not sure if it's ever been done before. I don't want to seem like I'm ripping someone else off. It's going to be a story about a young girl (teenager 17-19) swept into another world through an old storybook. She arrives inside a huge mansion where she is greeted by a mysterious man in top hat and who holds a cane. He introduces himself as (name to be thought of) and explains to her where she is at. It's a wonderous mansion where only the selected ones can live out their greatest desire, forever. But what happens when the girl has no desires for anything.

It's going to be for mature age groups due to some graphic content and language. I haven't found anything online that is similar to this so I'm hoping it's ok (I don't want something like that movie The Secret Window to happen to me........yes I watch horror movies too much).

Eyelid Eczema?

Since about.....September 2010? I've been having an issue with the skin around my eyelids and nose. At first it started as just an itch in the corner of my right eye (where the eye hits the nose) when I woke up one morning. I figured it was just allergies so I washed my face and continued on with my day. Over the next month, it continued to itch and I noticed the area there becoming white with dryness. So I used a little bit of lotion. I've always taken very good care of my face, which is why I rarely have any acne or anything. Then it began to spread over my upper eyelid. It was itchy and dry. Now it's July 2011 and it's spread to my left eye and sides of my nose. It itches like crazy, it's dry and red (the way it is around my eyes....imagine the black parts around a panda's eyes only red and that's how it looks with me). I can't put lotion on it becuase every lotion I've tried burns the crap out of my face! And I can't afford to go to the doctor to have it properly diagnosed and treated. So I'm forced to search for answers online. When I first started looking for answers, the only things I find where Lupus and psoriasis....but they didn't really match what i had. But today I found a picture of a girl on google who had looked similar to what I have. Clicking on the picture led me to an article about Eyelid Eczema. Which I now believe is what I have.

In the article it states what I should do to help my problem and prevent it. This is where I lol becuase it says: "You should keep away from pets and avoid areas with polluted air. These factors could get your eyes irritated. Also monitor the changes in temperature. Sudden change from too hot to too cold or vise versa could trigger eyelid eczema. Lastly, you should control your emotions and stay away from stress. Being in too much stress would trigger the development of this condition. So be positive and relax. Do not resort into things where you would feel negative emotions and too much stress. These simple steps will help you in fighting eyelid eczema"

Why does that make me lol? Well first off, it's impossible for me to avoid pets since I live with cats and we aren't about to get rid of them. Second, avoid polluted air? I live in America. There's no such thing as non-polluted air. And third.....avoid stress.....ha....haha....hahahahahahaha!!!! I'm one of the most stressed out people I know. I'm always negative about everything. I get mad even when I drop the hairbrush on the floor. I punched a wall once becuase I couldn't find something I was looking for. I get angry so easily and I have no time to relax becuase I work 7 days a week at night with no days off and no vacation time. I barely make enough money to pay rent and I can't find a new job! I can't avoid stress.

So I'm really not sure what to do about this. But I ask you.....if you see me and you happen to notice it (which no doubt you will after reading this), please don't say anything about it. Don't talk about it, don't mention it, don't even stare at it. I'm very paranoid so if you do any of these things, it will lead me to believe that you'll talk about it to someone when I'm not around and laugh at me. I'm already treated like I have a disease at home....I don't need it from my friends.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

So for the longest time now, all over the internet.....there has been ponies! Why? Well, this explains it all. http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/subcultures/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic  I've done my best to resist the cuteness, the innocence......the amazing awesomeness of the ponies. But as of yesterday, I have given into them and now I too am a fan of the ponies! I've spent a good part of the day watching episodes on youtube. Rainbow Dash is my favourite! Pinkie Pie is my least favourite. The songs are also catchy. But I knew it would only be a matter of time before I started liking it. I tend to love cute, innocent, adorable things. Especially talking/singing/funny animals with big eyes and lots of colour!

Invisible Roses?

I know I'm not the only one that this happens to but it seems to happen more frequent with me. Every day, at different times of the day in different places, I'll start smelling roses......and there are no roses around me when it happens. There's no one around me, no air fresheners, no perfume....nothing that could have the scent of roses to it. I've looked around online for the reason that this might be happening to me and I found several different answers. One answer suggested I go see a doctor as it may be an olfactory (nose) problem....or something more serious like a brain tumour or stroke. Another answered said that certain things a person does can trigger olfactory memories. Like going to a certain place can bring about the smell even though there's nothing there. And then the last answer said that it often happens to psychics (which is a practice I've delved in a bit) and it's called Clairalience, (clear smelling) This is when you can smell things that have no physical source. It's common when you may have a deceased loved one with you. You may smell their perfume, tobacco smoke, etc. But I really don't know any deceased loved ones that had a perfume that smelled like roses.

I suppose I will just have to live with it. At least it's a pleasant smell. I can't go to the doctor becuase I can't afford it. And becuase I worry that they may find something serious, since I have been having other problems too. The last time I went to the doctor was at age 14....and they discovered I had scoliosis. I had to have surgery for it and everything (which really sucked!). If my sense of smell starts going away then I'll go to the doctor. I had to deal with not having a sense of smell for 14 years of my life...I'm not about to deal with it again!

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July everyone....or well....to the one follower I have but to anyone that comes across this blog. I remember growing up 4th of July was an exciting time! During the day we wouldn't really do anything but come night fall, we'd grill either burgers or hot dogs, sometimes both! Then after we ate, my stepdad would bring out this huge box of fireworks and we'd go out to the front of the house with chairs, drinks and the fireworks. We always had the biggest fireworks display on our block. Other people would come outside to watch. Sure there were other people on our street setting off fireworks but they didn't have as much as we did and when they were done, they would watch ours. Becuase I wasn't old enough back then to handle the big fireworks, I was given little things. Things like Sparklers, snakes, smoke bombs and those Snap Pops (you threw them on the ground and they popped). And though they were little, I was never allowed to handle firecrackers. Not sure why. But anyways, we'd always start off with the little fireworks first then the bigger ones and finally the grand finale which was usually a huge firework that shot off like 26 times or something.

These days we don't really do anything for the 4th....or any holiday for that matter. They just seem like regular days. Perhaps it's becuase we can't afford to do things like we use to. Last year and the year before that, we didn't even get a tree for christmas. I can't wait to move out on my own. I'm going to start my own traditions for every holiday and certain days of the week! At least that's what I plan to do. Who knows what will happen!

Regular Life.

Ok, so I created a dream blog on here but I also decided to create another blog so I can post things that are just about regular life. Thoughts and things that happen to me from day to day. So that's what this blog will be about. Regular life.